filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
