Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
