i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
