I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
