My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
