Plan B is the new Plan A
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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