Your dad touched me again.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
