So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dicks are not precious.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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