i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
bring money and cleavage
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
