i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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