Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
