Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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