ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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