Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
