I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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