1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
