Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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