i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
