my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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