Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
