Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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