I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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