Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
