We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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