A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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