so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize