Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
