My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
