So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
