Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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