dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
