I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
