He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
