I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
