WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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