god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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