She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
