I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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