Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
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