Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
