Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
