do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
