he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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