I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize