My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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