No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
