who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
