I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
