I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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