Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
