We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I want her autograph on my taint
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
