Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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