The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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