got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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