i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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