its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I miss vodka workout Fridays
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
